Stop Overthinking The Good Life

Back to basics

I have to start with some caveats. First and foremost, I do not claim to be an authority on the good life. I certainly have my struggles as a father of three young children. My observations are likely some combination of clichés you already know and things that are much easier said than done, especially these days, like: “Find a spouse and, if you can and unless you really do not want to, have kids.” I realized a while ago that I have been stumbling backward into Aristotelian virtue ethics for years now. And yet I feel moved by the spirit, because folks are pretty clearly overthinking the good life. If a good life is moral, the good life is living well and achieving some degree of sustained contentment and inner peace. I think of laughter and joy, not necessarily “happiness.”

Obviously there is a cost of living crisis … and yet … mounting American ennui is not exactly an economic question. The problem of modernity has somehow deepened in recent decades. The issue is not, really, a scarce resource, not even time. Being financially stable obviously makes it easier to live well, but the whole point is to go beyond survival and first order material wellbeing.

Many folks discussing the crisis of purpose and meaning seem to be floating in space, unable to ground themselves in anything concrete or simply overwhelmed. The recipe for the good life is old and simple. If we try to work toward it, I think we will be OK.

Spend time with friends

Spending time with friends almost seems to be a basic human need. It helps us laugh and relax. It helps us learn about ourselves. We know that someone cares what we think. We know that someone cares how we are and what happens to us. We know that we do not have to face difficulties alone. And that if we do disappear, someone will notice. That seems to be a major reason why people who have a web of close friendships live longer. They are much less likely to despair.

You have to be intentional about it, you have to commit, you have to be willing to invest a lot of time and set yourself up for rejection and frustration. Friendship takes effort. Yet certainly for me as an extrovert, spending time with people you like and respect is the most fun a person can have. I get the full-body laughs I need spending time with a group of guy friends every few months. They are all smarter than me in different ways and they make a lot of interesting points, which I should start writing down, but what lingers is the feeling of a shared warmth that I cannot get any other way, even from spending time with my wife and kids, as much as I adore them.

You must spend time with people in person. There is no substitute. There is a temptation to try. Certainly we should be leaning more into the social aspect of social media rather than broadcasting ourselves. But socializing virtually will never beat breaking bread together. It can help you meet people, at least.

Spend time outdoors

Very basic evolutionary pop psychology tells us that we were meant to spend time outside, around grasslands and trees and rivers. Some research suggests we get positive mental cues from greenery and even feel-good pheromones from being around trees. I am not some kind of primitivist, though I have my moments, I just know that leaving the house is good for me psychologically. My oldest child has become fascinated by spiders, and once you start looking for them they are everywhere, including all over your home, where they nobly prey on actual pests. She is teaching me to notice nature in a totally new way. It is a precious gift.

I wonder how many people buy a dog as a forcing mechanism to get them walking around outside, which brings me to …

Spend time moving your body

You were made to move. Your muscles were not created to atrophy in front of a computer. I am extremely not a doctor, even less than I am a lawyer, but I recently encountered some fascinating emerging research. It suggests that exercise does not really help us burn calories, because our bodies naturally compensate in other ways. For example, as someone nearing 35, my body's strategy is almost completely shutting down most Saturday and Sunday afternoons (the ability to nap: another gift from my kids). The primary benefit of exercise seems to be helping our bodies balance natural baseline levels of hormones like cortisol which, in the bad old days on the African savannah, we used to evade big cat predators and hunt prey or gather roots or what have you. Now we are likely to sit and sit, causing inflammation with a whole host of negative effects ranging from cancer to heart disease. A classic Ferrari from the 1960s will be most reliable if you regularly use it and, periodically, thrash its engine. The human body may not be so different, it turns out.

I know this can be tricky. For various reasons I feel like I have narrow windows for when I can exert myself. But sometimes it helps me out of a funk. More and more, especially after encountering that research, I am trying to make it happen. Because I want to, because I now better understand why my body needs to move.

Urbanists like to say that riding a bike will always put you in a good mood (fact check: true). Our unmet need to move, particularly in the United States, is a critical reason to make the built environment not only safe but also pleasant for walking.

Participate in something bigger than yourself

This one is pretty straightforward. People need purpose, which they can only find outside of themselves. Some historic institutions that provided community and shared purpose (cousin marriage, familial guilds) are worse than others (religious congregations, LAN parties) yet modern life challenges us to swim against the atomizing current to find our people and serve them. If you support zoning reform or housing, a few minutes emailing your local elected officials about it can feel good. The internet can be a powerful tool for finding community and shared purpose, but I want to be the one to tell you: arguing with people on Twitter or Nextdoor is not it.

Get married or try to find a partner

Life is better shared with someone else. The dating market appears broken and seems to have gotten worse in the past decade, so I will not even attempt to opine here.

Start a family if you can and want to

I honestly believe this, but once again sense that the less I write about it, the better.

Try to remember to be thankful

It can be difficult, but I feel like it does help me. Prayers of gratitude are often more comforting than prayers of petition. Certainly in wealthy countries like the U.S., most people’s basic needs are met day-to-day, which is no small thing. A friend told me once, “You’ll never starve.” Although the good life goes beyond meeting our basic physical needs, if we do not appreciate that fact, appreciating other things is harder.

Act outwardly instead of turning inward

As I argued regarding community, the good life is a verb, something you do, something you work toward. You build relationships, put on your shoes and go outside, travel to a natural area for a hike, find local people who share your interest in kites or history or tractors or dancing, etc. If you feel lonely or lost, you are not going to fix it overnight. But I promise you have a shot at gradually improving your situation if you try to take some small step every day, some little productive action. We can do it.

Thanks to my 494 subscribers, especially my 11 paid subscribers. If you enjoy this blog or want to work together please contact lucagattonicelli@substack.com. Check out YIMBYs of Northern Virginia, the grassroots pro-housing organization I founded.